The subtext to the wave of concern over the recently
announced epidemic of childlessness in successful career women
is that women can't have it all after all--and it's men's fault.
Why? Because men interfere with their wives' career aspirations
by their refusal to become their children's primary caregivers,
forcing women to sidetrack their careers if they want children.
Despite the criticism, men generally focus on their careers
not out of selfishness but because most women still expect men
to be their family's primary breadwinners. For women willing to
shoulder this burden themselves, replacing the two-earner couple
with a female breadwinner and a stay-at-home dad (SAHD) can be
an attractive option. I became a SAHD with the birth of my
daughter four years ago, and the arrangement has benefited my
family immensely.
My wife and I sometimes remark that if we had met in the era
before women had real career opportunities, we'd both be pretty
unhappy. As a lone breadwinner I would feel deprived of time
with my children. My wife, an ambitious woman who loves her
career, would feel stifled as a stay-at-home mom. Since each of
us would want to be doing what the other is doing, we would
probably resent each other. Instead, the freedom to switch
gender roles has allowed each of us to gravitate towards what we
really want in life.
Men need not fear a loss of power when they become a SAHD.
While SAHDs are sometimes stereotyped as being at the mercy of
their stronger wives' commands, in reality, I have more power in
the family now than I ever did when I was the family
breadwinner. The most important issue in any marriage is
deciding how to raise the children. While my wife is an equal
partner in any major decision regarding the children, I
supervise the children on a day to day basis and I make sure
that things are done the way I want them done.
Women also benefit from SAHDs because, with reduced familial
responsibilities, they can compete on a level playing field with
career-oriented men. For men, it is an opportunity to witness
the countless magical, irreplaceable moments of a young child's
life, and to enjoy some of the subtle pleasures our fathers
never knew, like making dinner with a three year-old's "help,"
or putting the baby down for a midday nap in a hammock.
Still, there are adjustments that both men and women will
need to make. Women will need to discard the popular yet
misguided notion that men "have it all," and understand that
being the breadwinner comes with disadvantages as well as
advantages.
One disadvantage can be the loss of their primary status with
their young children. Mom is #1 not because of biology or God's
law but because mom is the one who does most of the child care.
This can change when dad becomes the primary caregiver. When my
young daughter has a nightmare and cries at 2 AM, my wife is
relieved that she's not the one who has to get up and comfort
her. The price that my wife has had to accept is that her child
insists on being comforted not by her but by "yaddy."
Another disadvantage is that taking on the main breadwinner
role reduces a woman's ability to cut back her work schedule or
look for a more rewarding job if her career disappoints her.
This is one of the reasons many women prefer life as a frazzled
two-earner couple--keeping the man on career track as the main
breadwinner helps to preserve women's options.
Men will also have to make adjustments. For one, they will
have to endure the unconscious hypocrisy of a society which
often wrings its hands over the lot of the housewife yet at the
same time views SAHDs as freeloaders who have left their working
wives holding the bag.
SAHDs also have to contend with the societal perception that
being a househusband is unmanly. The idea is so pervasive that
even I still tend to think "wimp" when I first hear about a SAHD.
Working women sometimes complain that men in the workplace
don't take them as seriously as they take men. As a SAHD I have
the same complaint. For example, last year I attended a school
meeting with my wife, my son's elementary school teacher, and
some school officials, most of whom knew that I drove my son to
and from school, met with his teachers, and did his spelling
words with him every day. Yet the woman who chaired the meeting
introduced herself to my wife, began the meeting, and then, only
as an afterthought, looked at me and said "and who might you be?"
In addition, while many stay-at-home parents face boredom and
social isolation, it can be particularly acute for SAHDs, since
there are few other men at home, and connections with
stay-at-home moms can be difficult to cultivate.
None of these hurdles are insurmountable, and they pale in
comparison to the benefits children derive from having a parent
as a primary care giver--particularly a parent grateful for the
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that he never knew he wanted, and
never thought he would have.
Glenn Sacks writes about gender issues from the male perspective.
His columns have appeared in
the Chicago Tribune,
the Los Angeles Times,
Newsday,
the Houston Chronicle,
the San Francisco Chronicle,
the Philadelphia Inquirer,
the San Diego Union-Tribune,
the St. Louis Post-Dispatch,
the Los Angeles Daily News,
the Washington Times
and others.
He invites readers to visit his website at
www.GlennSacks.com.
